Why I’m A Stingy Bitch

I am a stingy bitch when it comes to food. This started WAY before I was diagnosed with food allergies or really started delving into the science and the politics of food. Growing up, there was always more than enough food to go around. There was no competition for meals. My aunt had six boys and long after they moved out, she prepared meals for a small army. We always had leftovers and she was always coming up with something delicious. If you had leftover take-out in the fridge, no one messed with it because there was always something you could heat up and eat instead of pillaging food from others.

In college, I was fortunate enough to have a barrage of roommates who did not steal or “borrow” any food from me. I had an agreement (or I made an announcement) to all of them that any stealing or unauthorized eating of food that was deemed mine was something that would get them cut long, wide, and deep as my Grammy used to say. I was, of course, joking. (Not really)

Don’t get me wrong – I am a very generous person. I am very loving and very giving and I will give you the pants off my legs if you need them. (This is not just because I don’t like pants.) But unless I am cooking for the sole purpose of sharing a meal with you, I am not going to share my food. I was at lunch with a few friends the other day and they were offering me food and sharing what they had and I didn’t once offer mine to them. I felt kinda bad, but then I remembered – THESE CHICKS CAN EAT CAKE. I can’t eat cake. I love cake.

I am not a competitive person, but I’ll fight you over some food. For example, I used to live at home and me and mom shared food. This one day I bought a bag of freakin’ *moan* White Cheddar Natural Cheetos and proceeded to fight my mom for them. She did not win. It was not my proudest moment, but those Cheetos are that good.

My stinginess does not stem from greed or slovenliness, but I am a fat kid and though I can’t have my cake nor can I eat it, I am going to eat my matzoh and peanut butter. I am going to eat ALL of it and I’m not going to share it or save you any unless I really, really, really, really like you.**

**This is how you know if someone is really into you. If they save the last of their food for you, you’ll they’re really digging you heavy. It’s true. Fat Kid’s Honor.  “If that ain’t love then I don’t know what love is.”

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